*meanders into the room*

My long-lost best friend from middle school is an amazing blogger, an inspiration to single moms and married childless couples and anyone else in the world in my opinion... and she gave me this award. I'm not sure I deserve it, and I'm even less sure that I have the nerts to say 10 things that are difficult for me to share... 1) because I feel like I share almost anything under the opinion that if I'm not proud of thinking it then I shouldn't be and 2) because if I'm not sticking to that opinion then it's REALLY something I shouldn't be sharing. But I'll give it a shot, eh?


The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about
themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”



I think honesty is put to the test when you tell people things you’d rather not share. Things that scare you. So here’s 10 painfully honest / potentially disturbing things about me (proceed with caution):

1. I think I've lost the capability to express myself artistically. I tell people who say this sort of thing to me, "that's ridiculous, just make yourself do it!" But I can sit and stare at a blank page for hours, feeling more and more frustrated and helpless. I don't want to give up but repeatedly trying and failing makes me feel worse than not trying.
   
2. I fear, often, that I've made all the wrong decisions in my life. Yes, I'm happy, but I'm not doing all the things I dreamed of doing--or any of them really. I'm too old, and too young.
   
3. I really really hate it when people suggest to me that I do something that I was already planning on doing. I don't know why, but it immediately makes me want to refuse.
   
4. My sex drive is all but gone. Sixteen, where did you go?
   
5. I think I might be a mean person. At least judgemental.
   
6. I deeply resent having to work full time to earn insurance for my chronic illness. Seems bass-ackwards to me.
   
7. I MS'd out of Grad school without even finishing 1 semester after doing a ton of work and 6 years of planning and longing. I don't think I'll ever go back.
   
8. I believe that a few generations after I'm gone, it will be as though I never was.
   
9. Most of my friends call me a "badass" or "courageous" or "amazing" because I don't let things stop me. I call that celebrating mediocrity. If I was those things, I'd still be in Grad school, or have something published, or be accomplishing anything at all.
   
10. I think I might love my cats more than my (future) kids. This sucks, because they almost certainly have a shorter lifespan. But I can tell them what to do forever, and they can't throw screaming tantrums in grocery stores.
    

So, while my life is not exactly boring right now, I don't think I have the time to type about it right now. I'll post at a later date, I promise.



Tag, crazy people!



Adventures in Domesticity

Stargazer's Observatory

Tea Party With the Hatter

Burning Tree

K.D. Bryan

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Erf. Long time is long. Okay so...

November 24th I saw a new neurologist. Timothy Vollmer, one of the leading neurologists in the field of MS. It was at an intimidatingly huge medical facility in Denver. Talking to the man was like reading a research paper, he had so many facts and figures. He was scary knowledgeable, and refreshingly take-charge. There was no "so what do you want to do? What do you feel comfortable with?" He told me what my best options were and started the process of getting me on a new medication. He was like a steamroller. But, it was so very encouraging.

I'm going to be getting on a medication called Tysabri, which blocks the immune system from accessing the brain at all. This means that, for a year, I shouldn't be having any MS symptoms at all. Why stop after a year, you say? Because there is a virus that lives in all of our bodies that will build up in the brain when it's sheltered from the immune system and han be fatal if not stopped; even if it's caught quickly it can cause permanent damage. However, there are 5 reported cases in 40,000 patients on Tysabri, and not one happened before the patient had been on Tysabri for a year.

I started a new job on December 10 ($4.35/hour more than I made at ListenUp!!!), and aside from the pay increase there's a lot of really awesome bennies. Excellent health insurance (+ vision & dental), 401k, life insurance, disability insurance, on and on. A positive and busy workplace and the days go quickly, even if I am tired at the end. However, I was (mis)led to believe that the insurance would be active the day I started, when actually, it's active the first day of the month following the beginning of employment. That left me insurance-free for 21 days, and we couldn't get the ball rolling on the Tysabri until then. And now that the ball is rolling, it's going to take up to 4 weeks to actually get my first dose.

In the meantime, my hands are still 90% numb. That's not likely to get any better until I'm on this new medication (if even then... there's always the thrilling chance that the damage may be permanent. However, that's not likely). Blech. I go through cycles of preemptively getting excited about having my hands back soonish and being depressed because I think that I've forgotten how to type, use screwdrivers or pliers, be a normal person with normal hands in any way. I've discovered that I cannot put on post earrings...though I wear earrings so rarely I wouldn't be surprised if I'd forgotten how to do that before now.

In other news, my best friend Carlie and my good friend Dan (one of B's groomsmen) have found love, happiness and bliss in each other's arms. They are both vomiting slimy pink fluff (contradiction in terms, I know... picture fluff made of gak) everywhere. Congrats to them, they deserve all the happiness in the world ^_^

And...that's all folks. =)