Sunday, August 15, 2010

Paralyzing Fear

It's been a while, I'd say... I just need to get some thoughts out of my system, and maybe that'll help conquer them. Who knows, though...

So, when last we saw our heroes (me), I was embarking on a 90-day short-term disability leave from my work. Immediately following this term, I filed a long-term disability claim, which was (hooray!) accepted, and now for the next 2 years I am receiving ~$1,500 per month, to be continued until 2049 if they decide that my disability extends to "any occupation" rather than "own occupation." That is certainly good news and I'm not complaining about that.

However, mandated unemployment has its drawbacks. Although I do my best to get out of the house to work out and do errands, and thusly have maintained a good physical lifestyle, I find myself nearly unable to do anything that expands my mind or life. I clean the house, I cook, I shop, I feed myself and Branden, but when all of those things are done, I just... do nothing.

And then there are things that I really want to do, activities I'd like to get involved in, things that I've basically "decided" to do—like Boulder Community Choir—but when I go back and think about them, my thoughts go something like, "I can't commit to that, that's too much, I don't know if I'll want to keep doing that." I haven't looked into a Tae Kwon Do dojo or ceramics classes, I haven't even finished reading my book about producing webcomics. I don't finish my sketches, I don't finish my stories; I was in the middle of a Shadowrun plot that I was very excited about running, but the idea of continuing to write my ideas down is terrible because I'm sure that my ideas are terrible and the longer I spend wasting my time on recording them, the worse I'm making the world.

I feel like I can run the lives of others to their betterment; I have lost 30 pounds since Christmas by the power of my will alone, and as per usual it's easy to tell other people what to do and even be right. But my own life is unapproachable.

Maybe it's the Tylenol PM talking. I hope so. Right now it's looking pretty bad.