Thursday, July 9, 2009

*meanders into the room*

My long-lost best friend from middle school is an amazing blogger, an inspiration to single moms and married childless couples and anyone else in the world in my opinion... and she gave me this award. I'm not sure I deserve it, and I'm even less sure that I have the nerts to say 10 things that are difficult for me to share... 1) because I feel like I share almost anything under the opinion that if I'm not proud of thinking it then I shouldn't be and 2) because if I'm not sticking to that opinion then it's REALLY something I shouldn't be sharing. But I'll give it a shot, eh?

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about
themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

I think honesty is put to the test when you tell people things you’d rather not share. Things that scare you. So here’s 10 painfully honest / potentially disturbing things about me (proceed with caution):

  1. I think I've lost the capability to express myself artistically. I tell people who say this sort of thing to me, "that's ridiculous, just make yourself do it!" But I can sit and stare at a blank page for hours, feeling more and more frustrated and helpless. I don't want to give up but repeatedly trying and failing makes me feel worse than not trying.
  2. I fear, often, that I've made all the wrong decisions in my life. Yes, I'm happy, but I'm not doing all the things I dreamed of doing--or any of them really. I'm too old, and too young.
  3. I really really hate it when people suggest to me that I do something that I was already planning on doing. I don't know why, but it immediately makes me want to refuse.
  4. My sex drive is all but gone. Sixteen, where did you go?
  5. I think I might be a mean person. At least judgemental.
  6. I deeply resent having to work full time to earn insurance for my chronic illness. Seems bass-ackwards to me.
  7. I MS'd out of Grad school without even finishing 1 semester after doing a ton of work and 6 years of planning and longing. I don't think I'll ever go back.
  8. I believe that a few generations after I'm gone, it will be as though I never was.
  9. Most of my friends call me a "badass" or "courageous" or "amazing" because I don't let things stop me. I call that celebrating mediocrity. If I was those things, I'd still be in Grad school, or have something published, or be accomplishing anything at all.
  10. I think I might love my cats more than my (future) kids. This sucks, because they almost certainly have a shorter lifespan. But I can tell them what to do forever, and they can't throw screaming tantrums in grocery stores.

So, while my life is not exactly boring right now, I don't think I have the time to type about it right now. I'll post at a later date, I promise.

Tag, crazy people!

Adventures in Domesticity

Stargazer's Observatory

Tea Party With the Hatter

Burning Tree

K.D. Bryan


Sadi said...

So, I'm not going to respond to everything, mostly because 1. a lot of it we've talked about before and I'm sure will again, and 2. I don't want to write a novel here. But there are a couple of things I wanted to say.
1. You are NOT a mean person. You can be judgmental, maybe even a little overly so. This does not make you mean. Being judgmental also happens to be a flaw shared by almost everyone to a greater or lesser degree. The fact that you're aware that you have the tendency already makes you better than most in that regard. And you're not afraid to change your judgment about something, especially a person, if you're given cause to.
2. You have your whole life to accomplish something. You haven't even hit thirty yet. Just because you're not published, or finished with grad school, or haven't done anything grand or sweeping doesn't mean you won't. My God woman, don't tie your life up with a bow and write "finished" on it yet! Who knows what opportunities you might still have in the future? You may not ever go back to grad school, but your life could take you in directions you haven't even imagined yet, and if you get yourself into the mindset of "I'm too old to do anything now," you may not see those opportunities. (and I sympathize a LOT with these feelings btw - I'm fighting them myself)
3. I call you courageous for refusing to be a victim. You COULD wring your hands and cry, be sickly and burdensome, passively let MS take over your life, use your disease as an excuse to lay around and lament at how unfairly you've been treated by fate. Plenty of people do. Instead, while you can't exactly ignore something like MS, you don't let it stop you from living your life, and I think that takes courage.

I love ya lady. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Sorry I didn't check back to see if you had the time to complete this or not, but you totally deserve this award. I think one of the best thing about you is your lack of BS. You cut the crap, and I like that (even if its painful to hear sometimes, but NOT MEAN!)

Thanks again for sharing these truths, and also for the update. I also have a ton of friends moving up to the front range, and it makes me very sad and Durango seem very secluded.

Miss you and I will come visit one day, I promise!