Friday, October 31, 2008

Long-awaited, most tedious update

I say tedious because I'm having to type with 2 fingers, deleting typos at least once or twice a sentence. My hands have gotten progressively worse since my August flare-up. I got on steroids at the end of September (oral, rather than IV) which actually helped quite a bit on all of my other symptoms (fairly standard Elly-MS-flare-up symptoms). However, my hands are now nearly useless. I drop everything I try to hold including phones, butter and needles. I can't open jars or my medication bottles. I can't put my hair up in an elastic. I can hardly go to the bathroom w/o help.

I'm getting on a new primary medication, b/c a blood test was done and they found that I've built up antibodies against my meds. But there was a paperwork snafu and I'm not getting it as fast as I should be (which was apparently supposed to be 2nd week of Oct).

I've come to realize that I'm a Darwinist, or whatever you call people who believe in survival of the fittest more than anything else. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I don't really believe in social programs that care for people who can't care for themselves. So, my moral beliefs are actually conflicting with my existence ATM.

It's just an uncomfortable place to be, morally, emotionally, physically. I don't know what I'm going to do if it doesn't pass. Aside from basic functionality, everything that I do that I love, arts & crafts & etc, require hands. :-&

So yeah, I'm in a little bit of a dark place right now. I made Branden and Carlie some kick-ass Halloween costumes, and consequently, didn't finish my own. My house is so messy I can't stand it. I haven't had time to eat "real" food since October started. All of a sudden, I can understand why 15% of all deaths in MS patients is suicide.

I can only hope that the party tonight makes up for all of it, and afterwards the stress level declines and I get my new medication and my hands magically get better. >_< Cross your fingers for me.


Anonymous said...

Hey girl. I know how hard this must be for you. Miserable, frustrating, soul-crushing hard. I hope you have a fantabulous halloween party, and the new meds prove themselves worthy of you.

Hang in there! I'm thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

P.S. I feel wicked guilty harrassing you to update your blog. I'm sowwy, you have a lot going on right now.